Go Google

I googled myself the other day and was annoyed to find that there was already an author by the name of Kate Wheeler making her presence felt in the world.

Bugger.

She's an American though, not an Australian living in the UK - which is me!

When I'm published, however, I'm not sure that I'll use my name 'Kate Wheeler' anyway because a surname beginning with W would put me on the bottom of the bookshelves. My maiden name of 'Swan' might be better, but S is still a fair way down the bookshelf. Most authors have surnames between D and M... but I really really dont think I want to give myself a different surname.

Perhaps I could swap my name around and go around being called 'Wheeler Kate'. It would at least put me in the 'K' section of surnames.. roughly middle/eyeline of bookshelves. Or I could go around as 'Swan Kate'.

Hmm.. that has a better ring to it.

No point really thinking about it until I get my f***ing sh*t sorted out. I've been so lazy with the whole book thing, but with the hubby shouting in my ear constantly to get off the computer, then shouting in my ear constantly to get the book done, I'm a bit confused as to how I'm actually going to do it other than printing it out and taking a red pen to it. I'm not a pen/paper kind of person anymore. It was drilled into me during school and uni that everything must be done on computers from now on......

So I'm being pushed this way.. pushed that way.. made to feel guilty, while also making myself feel guilty.. and my hands are completely tied in knots. I'm beginning to HATE this whole f***cking writing thing.

I didn't get into this stuff to end up hating it. My writing is not for anyone else to enforce on me EVER!! My parents were always try to do that whenever they ran out of other things to try to tell me what to do.
Its as if no one can talk to me without telling me what to do. It drives me f***ing mental! Actually.. what also drives me mental is putting in little stars to blur out the swear words. Fuck that. I'm not going to censor myself. And I'm not going to let myself fall under the delusion that this page is read by millions of people all craning their necks to see whats going on in my life.

Thats not the point of my blog anyway. The point was to keep a diary of my journey from pathetic lowly spare-time writer to fantastic-wealthy-published success. If anyone sees my pages, so be it. If no one does, so be it.

I hate feeling pressured to write write and write some more. My stories and novel ideas are my babies and whether I finish them or not is entirely upon my head. It is only a tragedy to me, and its no one elses business.

a;kgjna;iorngoeiafnhsdkv........

Hmmmmmmmmm... I have issues.