Back to Black

I can feel a weariness seeping into me. Its like a fluid snake instilling itself into my blood and I'm not even fighting it as I slip deeper into my comfortable chair.

The monster that is taking over me is Laziness itself!

I've already pushed my alarm forward by 15 minutes and instead of hitting snooze a maximum of twice I hit it up to five times and only leave myself ten minutes to get ready before I have to leave for work. Its more than enough time to get ready if I'm not showering in the morning but it leaves no time for those special touches that give you that air of confidence as you strut around the Earth.

When I'm stumbling out of the house into the cold (damn I miss Australia's beautiful, if dry, climate!) I know I should walk faster and pay attention, but I feel like I'm walking as though I'm in a secure little sling or something and that someone is carrying me along and taking care of all those time-keeping responsibilities - like getting to the station on time.

I'm surprised that I haven't actually missed my train yet. Touchwood!

I've stopped turning the computer on in the morning to check my email and take my blog medicine. I realised then that it was the computer that sapped up my time in the morning. I'd still like to use my computer in the morning, but the beast stays my hand and whispers in my ear that it can be done later.

I've given myself a deadline for my Nano book to be expanded and polished and that time is ticking away. I should be rushing around like a mad woman getting it all done, but I'm just looking up at the clock watching the hands flick past. Its not as though I'm detached or anything, because I can still feel that touch of concern that I'm not in my right mind.

Perhaps, though, I am in my right mind. Perhaps I wasn't before... ?

I haven't been shying away from stuff, coz I've gone through my Nano manuscipt and written myself a plan of the chapters and where I can expand on them. I'm also doing filing and shredding at work without rolling my eyes and putting it off as though there is a snooze button attached.

My 31st January deadline to have my book, synopsis & query letter completed is looming closer and closer but I'm not flinching. I have these brief thoughts in my head saying 'Come on, ya dumbass, get working!' but they echo around my head and I just suck on them as though they're sweets with a flavour I've never tasted before. They're just a bunch of words wrapped up together and although I understand the meaning, its not meaningful to me. If I were drunk it would all make sense, and I could laugh at my laziness, but I'm not drunk... and I'm not really lazy because I am actually getting things done.

Perhaps its because I'm not putting a lot of pressure on myself. Besides, who am I disappointing but myself? I know I wont continue to keep letting myself down so what is there to worry about? I'm always going to look after myself, and although I know in the past I've put things off for so long that I've missed the boat and regretted it, I'm older now and not so stupid.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. I'm just letting my head bleed, and my fingers run riot over the keyboard.

I bought the new Amy Winehouse album over the weekend. Love it. Also bought Lily Allen's album, Ray Lamontagne's and the Zutons. Saw 'Night at the Museum' at the cinema (absolutely fabulous film!!) and also watched 'The 40 Yr Old Virgin' (also another top film!) and finally got to see 'The Life of Brian (where on Earth have I been all this time!), so the weekend was one of new things and potential. I'm enjoying the music and am glad that I've found a soundtrack to 2007 that fits fairly well with me. Perhaps some clear answers will show themselves to me tomorrow. My horoscope did say I'd have loads of opportunities today but would be unable to reach out for them.

I think I should take it easy and reeeeelax a bit!